


Chicken Parm and Heartache.

by Officially_Malec_Trash



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, I just want Alec to get better, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Malec, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Relationship Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, no magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-06-14 06:51:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15383100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Officially_Malec_Trash/pseuds/Officially_Malec_Trash
Summary: A wise man once said "relationships take effort." Magnus's and Alec's seemed to take a little bit more than that.





	1. Tension

**Author's Note:**

> I realize that I haven't written a Malec fic in a while. I'm sorry, I just didn't have any ideas. This wasn't even supposed to be angst, but then I just kept writing and it kept getting angstier and angstier so there's that. I am debating about whether I should continue it or leave it as a oneshot idk yet. It's set a little while after 3x10.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec wasn't a good cook. He could make eggs, and decent french toast, but an actual meal? He usually let Magnus handle that, or they went out, or ordered in. But with Magnus losing his magic, and him almost dying, again, they hadn't had a home cooked meal in a while.

\-------

Alec waited until he heard the water stop running to get up from his position on the couch and sneak into the kitchen. Magnus had finished drawing his bath, the first time he had been able to do so without help or flooding the bathroom. Tasks as simple as turning off the tap seemed to elude Magnus, and he was too proud, too stubborn to ask for help. He had let the bath run over for 10 minutes before he came to get Alec. By that time, the water in the bathroom was up to his calves. It took a while to clean up, and all the while in silence. Magnus was furious that he even needed the help, help that Alec was more than happy to provide. Alec just wanted to make everything better again.

Alec pulls up the recipe he obtained earlier on his phone. Chicken parm. One of their first dates was to Italy, where they had what Magnus called “the best chicken parm in the world.” It was a family owned restaurant, and doubled as a Downworlder safe haven. Alec had spent the entire week tracking down the restaurant to get the recipe. They usually didn’t give out recipes, but made an exception once Alec explained the circumstances. Magnus was one of their favorite (and best) customers, and they wanted to help Alec make him feel better.

As Alec rinsed the chicken, he read the recipe over again. He practically had it memorized, but he was still worried. His mother had tried to teach him and Izzy to cook when they were younger, but neither sibling had picked up on the nuances of the art like Maryse had. Jace however, was a fantastic cook. All that spontaneous energy made for him being very...experimental with his recipes. Sometimes they turned out delicious, but sometimes he put apples in his soup so they took everything Jace made with a grain of salt.

Alec gathered all the ingredients, and placed them on the counter. With a groan, he began to cook. 

\-------

Magnus exited the bathroom and walked into the bedroom, snapping his fingers a few times before realizing he would have to dress himself manually. Draining the bath was exhausting, applying lotion and skincare products even more so. He was all wrinkly from bathing for so long, and now he had to dress himself? His body ached from all the activity that went into being magicless. He usually enjoyed doing the little things like washing his hair and taking off his makeup, but when he had no choice, suddenly it seemed more strenuous.

As Magnus pulled on a simple gray t-shirt Alec had left over one day and never took back, he smells...food. Like really good food. It smelled like

Chicken parm?

Magnus finished getting dressed and walked into the living room, where Alec was finishing up setting the table. He turns around at the sound of Magnus’s footsteps.

 

“Oh. You’re done. Have a seat, I’ll get us something to drink.”

Alec waits for Magnus to move towards the table, but he doesn’t budge. He shaking, and Alec can’t tell if it’s from sadness, excitement, or anger.

“What is...all this?”

“You said that Giovanni’s had the best chicken parm you’ve ever tasted, so I got him to give me the recipe.”

“How? What did you give him?”

“Nothing, I swear. He just wanted to help. And don’t worry, he said your secret was safe with him.”

Magnus believed it. Giovanni wasn’t one who was prone to gossip. And the food truly looked delicious. 

Alec sighed with relief as Magnus moved towards a seat. He grabbed a bottle of Magnus’s favorite wine that he had picked up earlier, and poured 2 glasses, setting them on the table. He looked at Magnus, who was staring at his food. They both picked up their utensils, and ate.

\-------

“Thank you Alexander.”

The words were barely above a whisper, escaping after Alec rose to wash the dishes. Alec smiled softly as he washed, feeling content as Magnus dried them and put them away. This was the most communication they had had ever since Magnus lost his magic. There was no screaming, no anger, no broken item that Alec had to clean up despite Magnus’s protests. Only tension, words that weren’t said, but left dangling in the air. They hadn’t spoken to each other in days, only barely seeing each other as Alec went to and from the Institute. He woke up early to leave and returned late. Sometimes he didn’t even bother to sleep in bed, and when he did, he didn’t touch Magnus. He had tried, a few times. But Magnus would snap at him, squirm away, until Alec got the message. 

After finishing, they both leaned against the counter, facing each other.

Magnus breathed out, and Alec heart almost stopped.

“You really did all this for me?”

“Magnus, I love you. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you.”

Magnus smiles, a sad smile that tells Alec everything before the words can.

“I know, and that’s why I have to leave. I’m not the man you fell in love with Alexander. I have to find out who I am.”

Alec flinched as Magnus’s hands brushed against his face, turned his eyes away from Magnus’s unglamoured ones. 

“You can’t make everything perfect Alexander. I know how hard you try, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. But I have to go.

Alec’s hands find themselves on Magnus’s chest, stuck between pulling him closer and pushing him away. He chooses the latter, stepping quietly out of the kitchen, and then out of the front door.

Magnus sniffles, feeling the tears dampen his cheeks as he flops on the couch. He wanted to be with Alec, went through so much to be with Alec, and now he was pushing him away. But he had to, no matter how much it hurt the both of them. It was better than what they had been living with all this time. Magnus couldn’t bear to watch himself yell and scream at Alec, hit him, make him cry. He didn’t know who he was anymore. He had to find that out if he ever wanted to be with Alec again.


	2. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus had left. All Alec wanted to do was help, but he left anyway. And Alec had no clue if he was ever going to get the man he loved back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, confession time. As I started writing chapter 1, it accidentally became very similar to this ship that happened in this other show I watch (it's called The Night Shift and I will continuously shamelessly promote it because it's amazing) and the more I write, the more it became similar. This one is similar kinda, but I wanted Alec's pain to be fleshed out, which is different than what happened in the show. I also have no clue when this is going to end but maybe it will one day?

\-------

Magnus had been gone for 6 months. Those 6 months were the worst of Alec’s life. He was drinking more, doing things that he wasn’t proud of. He was a mess. He even had to enstate a temporary change of Head at the Institute, all because Alec couldn’t separate his personal feelings from his professional life at work. He didn’t want to lash out at his family, or spend his days pacing around their apartment, cursing and crying and broken. He didn’t want to crave Magnus’s touch, hear his voice saying something flirtatious in his head, smell his scent on the sheets Alec had washed countless amounts of times, yet still couldn’t get him out. Magnus was still in every aspect of Alec’s life, and Alec hadn’t even heard from the man since he left.

\-------

Every morning was hard for Alec when he woke up in an empty bed. He groaned as he rolled over, pushing his face into the spot where Magnus’s would have been. Should have been.

But he left. 

And the string of men Alec had put in his place did nothing to soothe the pain.

Neither did the black eye that he got for sleeping with a vampire’s boyfriend. He had a hard time explaining that one to Izzy and Jace.

Alec grabbed his phone from off his nightstand as Izzy’s face popped up on his screen. Begrudgingly, he picked up the call.

“Are you coming in today?”

“Alec?”

“Hello?”

Izzy’s concern was evident as she continued to question him. Alec sighed. His sister cared so much, she and Jace were the only reason that Alec wasn’t in a bar every night. 

“I don’t know Iz, maybe. I’ll try.”

“I’ll take trying. Love you Alec.”

“Love you too.”

Alec slipped his phone back onto the nightstand, and managed to push himself out of bed. He stretched, fingers brushing against the ceiling. Why couldn’t he go to work? Why was he still stuck on Magnus? He hadn’t returned Alec’s calls, hadn’t texted him back, hell he could’ve written a letter for all Alec cared. All he wanted to know was that Magnus was safe.

Grabbing some clothes from his side of the closet, Alec turns on the shower. He was going to at least try to go to work. He promised Izzy that he would try harder, and he meant it. Watching him ache for Magnus was hurting his siblings, and Alec didn’t like hurting anyone, especially his family. He stepped in the water, letting the steam mask his tears, washing his hair with the shampoo that Magnus made especially for him. Smelling the shampoo sent Alec over the edge again, as the force of his sobs forced him to the floor. He couldn’t stand staying here anymore. Everything felt so much like Magnus, it was killing Alec with every passing moment. 

As the sobs passed, Alec rises, turning off the water and stepping out. He continues to get ready, then steps out of the bathroom. His feet carry him into the kitchen, where he pours some extremely sugary cereal that Magnus disapproves of into a bowl, opens the refrigerator to grab some milk,

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Alec sets the milk on the counter, and goes to answer the door. He was trying to get to work, Izzy didn’t need to drag him there.

“Come on, Iz, I said I was-”

Alec’s words get caught in his throat as he stares at the face, not of his sister, nor of his brother.

But Magnus Bane. 

“Alexander. May I come in?” 

Alec, unable to form words, lets himself be gently moved out of Magnus’s way.

Magnus looked... _good._

Magnus, of course, always looked good. But maybe because he hadn’t seen him in 6 months, or because Magnus finally felt better, but Alec realized, again, how breathtakingly beautiful Magnus was, as he waltzed right back into their apartment as if he had left for some milk, and not to go on a spiritual journey, leaving Alec to try to put his life back together alone.

He pulls out his phone to text Izzy, knowing she would worry if he didn’t say anything

7:54 a.m.: _I was planning to come in todau Iz. Sonething came up._

7:55 a.m.: _today* and something*. Sorry Iz._

7:56 a.m.: _It’s ok Alec. Take your time. Don’t come back before you’re ready. Xoxo._

Alec looks up from his phone to see Magnus holding his cereal box and looking at it disapprovingly.

“Disgusting.” He mumbles under his breath, before turning back to Alec.

“Would you like to go out and have something a little more...nutritious?”

Alec shakes his head, still lost for words at how comfortable Magnus was, just walking back in like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t left, like he hadn’t shattered Alec’s world into more pieces than he could count.

“Alexander…” Magnus steps closer to him, goes to brush his palms against Alec’s cheeks,

“Don’t touch me Magnus.” Alec start shaking, trying to control the storm of emotions that is flying through him. It wasn’t working, as the tears began to streak down his face, clouding his vision as he pushes Magnus away. Just like Magnus did to him. 

“Alexander, I’m sorry.” Magnus spoke the words that set off the powder keg of emotions in Alec’s heart.

“Sorry? Sorry? Magnus, you left me for 6 months! You didn’t return my calls, you didn’t text me back, didn’t let me know you were ok! Do you know how many nights I laid awake, just hoping that you were safe? I thought you were dead!” Alec screams, hands flying as Magnus watches him. 

Alec composes himself. A screaming, crying mess is not what he planned on being when he woke up this morning. Then again, Magnus had a habit of changing his plans quite often.

“I understand that-”

“No, there is no way you could understand. How could you possibly come back, act like nothing happened, and then apologize? Like an ‘I’m sorry Alexander’ is going to fix everything, like it will make me feel better? You left me, Magnus. You can’t just waltz back in and think that everything is ok.”

Magnus sighs, running a hand through his perfect as usual hair, stepping closer to Alec again.

“I know that I hurt you. And I truly am sorry for that. But I couldn’t live with myself the way I was. I was hurting the both of us more then.”

Alec can’t stop Magnus from running his fingers against his face, knowing how much the hurt Magnus had forced upon him was showing in his eyes.

“Alexander, I want us to be together again.”

“I don’t know if we can. I...need time, Magnus.”


	3. Temper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Losing control was something that Alec rarely did. He always had control over his emotions. Then Magnus had to come along and ruin everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it just keeps getting angstier and angstier. I'm sorry for that, but they way The Night Shift played the whole situation had me so angry, and I need to somehow get it out. Even though I understand why they did it the way they did, I'm still angry. I already have an idea for the next chapter, so you won't have to wait long for it. That one is going to be even angstier than this one, I'm sorry.

\-------

Alec didn’t sleep at home anymore.

In fact, he was never home. It was almost like he didn’t live there anymore. He was at the Institute all day, every day. Magnus never saw him anymore.

He knew Alec needed time to heal. Everyone said just give him time, give him space, don’t pressure him into doing something he wasn’t ready to do.

But it had been 2 months. And sometimes you have to push the people you love into doing what’s best for them.

Which was why Magnus intercepted Alec on his run through the park.

“Can we talk?”

Alec pulls an earbud out of his ear, cocking his hip and looking so effortlessly attractive that it makes his heart ache. He had that, it was his, and now he has to request an audience. This was the man he was planning on marrying, having children with, loving for the rest of his immortal life. Now he wouldn’t even pick up the phone to talk to him.

“What do you want Magnus?” Alec’s voice, it was different. Rough, dark, like the voice he uses to give orders. Gone is the smile that lights up his face when he notices Magnus, the irresistible urge he had to touch any piece of Magnus that he could reach. His eyes were glazed over. Lost was the spark that used to exist in them, the one that existed only for Magnus.

“How are you?” Even though Magnus’s tone was gentle, a caress of words, something about it still made Alec angry.

“How am I? You really have the audacity to ask me how am I? You didn’t want to know how I was for 6 months, Magnus, even though I wanted to know how you were. I was dying to know how you were, but all I got was silence.”

“Alexander, I know what I did was wrong, and it hurt you-”

“Oh, do you know? Because you didn’t seem so concerned about how wrong it was when you did it, weren’t worried about how much it hurt me while you were ripping our relationship to shreds.”

“I...did not mean for that to happen. I had to find myself-”

“Find yourself? This is a relationship Magnus! You can’t just run off whenever you feel like it! You kinda have to think about, oh I don’t know, the other fucking person! And how your choices affect them. You can’t act like a bachelor when you aren’t single!” Alec’s voice breaks, and he rubs his palms across his face. He had to get control of himself. He couldn’t let his temper get out of hand again. He had buried his emotions, somewhere deep down inside of him. Every section of his soul screamed that it was wrong, but letting his hurt out called for destruction. He has worked too hard to see it all washed down the drain just because he made the mistake of falling for a foolish, stupid, hurtful,

“I still love you. It was the only thing I was sure of while I was gone.” 

Alec’s breath catches, and he can’t stop Magnus as he takes both of the Shadowhunter’s hands in his own. He can’t stop himself from flinches as Magnus’s lips brush against his skin, can’t stop the tears from falling as Magnus whispers apologies into his ears, can’t stop the emotions from resurfacing after all the work he did to push them down.

He doesn’t even remember walking home.

But now he’s there, standing in the living room he hadn’t seen in months, smelling the sandalwood that his nose barely remembered, sinking into couch cushions that felt more foreign than familiar. 

“Do you want...anything, Alexander?”

“To stop hurting.” 

He hadn’t meant to say that. He saw Magnus freeze at the words, and he wants to apologize. And he would have.

If he wasn’t so angry. If he wasn’t so fractured, if his heart didn’t ache every second of every day, if he could sleep at night.

But he couldn’t. The wound was too deep, too fresh, infected with the stain of tears shed and words unspoken. Bandaging it with an “I’m sorry” wasn’t going to stop the blood flow.

“I-I can’t do that.”

“That’s not the only thing you can’t do.” Alec mumbled. 

He meant the lack of communication. 

But Magnus got a different impression.

“Really? That’s what you’re going to say? After I go through all that to figure out who I am with my magic, you’re just going to remind me of the fact that it’s gone?”

“What no that’s not what I-”

“Oh of course that’s not what you meant to say. It never is.” Magnus huffs, running his fingers down his legs, barely allowing them to keep him standing.

Alec turns to face him.

“And what does that mean exactly? Because it sounds like you’re accusing me of doing something wrong, which I haven’t.”

“As if I have? I gave up **my** magic to save **your** parabatai!”

“No one asked you to do that!”

Alec’s scream echoes through the house. Once so full of love and happiness, all that remains now is a husk of feelings felt in the heat of moments. The passion, but also the betrayal, the love but also the hate. 

The silence fills the space between them, growing ever more present with every passing second. Neither can find the words to make everything better, to make the other whole. Too much has transpired, the differences finally pulling them down into the lonely spaces of their hearts, the cracks in the relationships finally visible.

“I did it because I love you. You didn’t have to ask.”

Magnus’s voice was hardly audible. And Alec wanted so desperately to not be angry, to just accept his love, to be able to wrap his arms around the warlock once more.

“But you won’t let it go. For the rest of your immortal life, Magnus Bane, you will continue to feel bitter about the loss of your magic. As your looks begin to fade, and your joints give you trouble, you will curse my name. Regret the fact that you ever let me into your life.”

“Why would you ever think that Alexander?” Magnus’s voice trembles, despite his best efforts to remain calm. Alec reading him like that, reading him so well, it terrified Magnus. He refused to wear his heart on his sleeve, to let people in, but 

“I know you Magnus. You love your magic.”

“But I love you more. I-I would rather lose my magic than lose your love, every day for the rest of my life.”

“Well, you might’ve lost both.”


	4. Tender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus leaving had shattered Alec. He tried to pick up the pieces, but cut himself on the edges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back by popular demand, Chapter 4!
> 
> But I'm going to take this space to add a trigger warning. I don't usually reference stuff that people need to be warned about, but self-harm is the topic of this chapter. I will make sure that the next chapter will flow from the 3rd chapter so that there will be no confusion. This chapter hits pretty close to home for me, so please don't judge it too harshly.

\-------

6 months is a long time to go without contact from the person you love more than anything in the world. 

Especially for Alec. 

He had no clue where Magnus was, no clue what he was doing. 

The uncertainty of it had pushed him back into the dark space in his head, in his heart, that he thought he had escaped. The words bounced around his skull, coming out at the worst possible moments.

“You are unloveable.”

“He never loved you, he hated being around you.”

“You aren’t worth his love. You aren’t worth anyone’s love.”

He refused to seek treatment. He could deal with the pain, it was his burden to bear. Everyone around him could see how much he was hurting, but they couldn’t help him. He wouldn’t allow them.

In the 6 months that Magnus was gone, Alec had cut himself at least once a week. 

It was the only way to fight against the pain. Or so he thought. 

But it was more like a drug. The more he did it, the more he had to do, just to get some relief. The physical pain rid him of the emotional, if only for fleeting moments in between missions and meetings. 

Anyone close to him could tell something was off. But he pushed them away, and they chalked it up to missing Magnus. No one suspected he was cutting, the scars fading into the array already covering his body. 

\-------

Alec rubbed his fingers absentmindedly against his most frequented spot. Starting at his left wrist, delicately arching towards the right. It looked so much like a demon’s mark, Alec sometimes convinced himself.

He had split that spot open more often than any other on his body.

He cut himself there yesterday.

Running his fingers across it was the only thing he could focus on right now. Not the shock on Magnus’s face, not the way his body slumped against the kitchen counters, not the way his breath hitched as he sobbed, not how much Alec wanted to comfort him, but couldn’t. 

He found solace in the scar. It removed him from the present situation, drawing him into a dreamlike state of refuge. He shuddered every time his fingers pressed against it, reminded of the rush, the pain, the blood spilling from his body, the way it mixed with his tears. The skin around it was tender, almost raw with the amount of times it had tried to heal and instead been broken.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Magnus’s voice can’t cut through the fog of Alec’s thoughts. He’s too absorbed in trying to fight the demons inside him. Cutting was the only way to draw them out, he couldn’t let them continue to reside inside of him, he couldn’t-

“What are you doing Alexander?”

Alec looked up, finally pulled out of the haze. His sleeve was rolled up, one hand prepared to push the seraph blade he always carries into his skin. His teeth were gritted in anticipation of the euphoric pain he was preparing unconsciously to experience. 

He had forgotten Magnus was even there. The silence had left Alec alone with his thoughts, of how unworthy he was, about how he would never accomplish anything, about how no one would ever be proud of him. 

About how he should just die.

Magnus snatched the blade away as it breaks the delicate skin, blood pooling and dripping onto the couch cushions.

“Alexander!”

Alec feels the tears coming, unable to force them down as they create a ring around the blood splattered on the couch. 

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Longer than I can remember.” Alec chokes out, barely able to control his breathing. How could he be so reckless, he was such an idiot, no one would care-

“Why did you keep this to yourself?” Magnus sits on the couch next to Alec, gently holding a damp cloth to his wrist, listening as he hissed.

“You have people that care about you, Alexander. You didn’t have to struggle through this alone.”

Magnus wraps a bandage around the wound before pulling Alec into his arms.

“I shouldn’t have left you. For that, I am sorry. Pushing you away seemed like the only way to keep you safe from me, but it obviously didn’t keep your own demons away.”

Alec heard Magnus, but he couldn’t feel the words. Not in his heart. All that was there was emptiness. He knew Magnus was sorry, but he couldn’t convince himself that it was true. All he could hear was the other voice, the only stable thing in his life. It managed to worm its way into every situation, making Alec doubt things he knew were true. It told him Magnus didn’t love him, that he was a liar, that he left because he couldn’t stand being around Alec-

“Alexander, you need help. You can’t continue like this. It isn’t healthy.”

Alec stiffened, trying to pull away from Magnus.

“I know you don’t want to. I know you feel like you have to go through it alone.” Magnus forces Alec to meet his eyes, holding the Shadowhunter still.

“You can’t deal with everything by yourself, Alexander. I tried to, and failed. I left for 6 months before realizing that I needed to be with the people I loved to feel better. You may think that no one is here for you, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You have family, friends, me, all these people who love and care about you, who can and will support you through this.”

“What if I can’t do it? What if I fail?” Alec’s whisper seemed to fill the entirety of their apartment, bouncing around corners, vibrating against the walls. 

“You won’t. And if you fall, we will all be here to catch you.” Magnus lays down, pulling Alec to his chest, rubbing his back, letting his cries fill the silence that had settled over them. The pain that Alec felt, it was so immense, so vast that it took up more than just his body. It took up his whole soul, existing in every crevice. 

How did he not notice sooner? Was he too focused on himself to see Alec hurting? And the scars. He had thought they were just from fights. He had seen that crescent-shaped one hundreds of times, never thought anything of it. 

How could he have been so blind?


	5. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone else knew Alec was hurting; he was just too broken to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I finally wrote a 5th chapter? Crazy, right? I think it flows well from the 3rd chapter, please let me know if it doesn't. 
> 
> I really hope that I'm portraying Alec's struggle in a way that makes sense. As someone who goes through it one a daily basis, I empathize with his pain a lot. I just want to make sure I'm showcasing it properly.
> 
> P.S. just because Alec gets better doesn't mean him and Magnus will make up ;)

\-------

It took Magnus a while, but he finally understood. 

He was experiencing first hand the hell he put Alec through. 

_“Well, you might’ve lost both.”_ Alec’s words still ricocheted around in Magnus’s mind. It was true, at least partially. Alec was lost

And Magnus had been the catalyst.

\-------

Magnus was standing in front of their apartment building, watching Alec. He had been outside since 4 a.m., exercising.

It was 2 p.m.

Magnus knew that he had to work through his issues. He remembered when he had been in that bad of a space. It had taken him decades to get himself from out of it.

Alec didn’t have that kind of time. He was mortal, after all.

Magnus walks over to where Alec is doing push ups. As he sees the designer shoes walk into his view, Alec stops and sits on his heels.

“What do you want?” He snapped, earning a wince from Magnus.

He seemed to be doing a lot of snapping these days. 

Gone was the man that used to whisper “I love you”s into Magnus’s ear. The man who relished in the opportunity to touch Magnus. The man whose face lit up when Magnus walked into a room, who borrowed his shirts even though they didn’t fit.

The man he loved.

It hurt to watch Alec do this to himself. But he understood. This was what it was like to live with him once he lost his magic. He was so hurt, he couldn’t recognize what he was doing to Alec.

“What do you want, Magnus?” Alec’s voice was almost unrecognizable. It sounded as if he barely knew the warlock who he had been so afraid to lose. 

“I want you to come inside, get something to eat, shower?” Magnus glanced at the grass before sighing and taking a seat in front of the Shadowhunter. Alexander was more important than some Gucci pants.

“Why?”

“Because I care about you.”

“Oh, now you care about me?” It always came back to this. Magnus understood that he hurt Alec. But he also knew that Alec was hurt deeper than that, and was using the pain from Magnus leaving to lash out, to hide the true pain he felt.

“I’ve always cared, Alexander. And before you start, yes, I realize it didn’t always seem like it, ok, I know!” Magnus hadn’t meant to raise his voice. He rubbed his hands up and down his thighs, trying to bring himself back down. He cared _so much_ , it was hard to keep it in check sometimes.

“I don’t want to see you like this. I understand what it must’ve been like to watch me do the same thing. Which means I know that I have to push you out of it.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“I was talking to your family, and we have agreed. We’re sending you to the Silent Brothers. You can’t keep living like this, Alexander.” Magnus’s fingers make their way from his own legs to Alec’s cheek, caressing the smooth skin under which hid such a troubled man. 

“You’re letting yourself waste away, Alec. You have such big dreams, you can’t allow this disease to get in the way of those.”

“So I don’t get a choice now? You all just decided for me?” Magnus wished they were having this conversation inside, instead of out in public, where people could hear. Although the park was practically empty, a few people still milled around.

 

“You had a choice. You made the wrong one. You cannot continue to let yourself fall apart until you die!”

“I’m going to die anyway, so what’s the point?! It’s not like I’m going to be here forever, like you! I’m just going to end up as an item in your box, if I’m even that lucky! Why do you even care about me, huh Magnus?! You’re just going to end up heartbroken, and have to force yourself to move on! Why not just leave now while you still can?!”

“Because I love you, you fucking idiot!” Magnus’s scream caused the patrons of the park to turn to them. He didn't want this. He didn't want this attention. It wasn't going to make anything better.

"If you love me, let me go." 

The whisper got caught in the wind, whipping around Magnus's head before finally reaching his ears. He still didn't believe what he was hearing.

"Why would I let you go? How is that going to solve anything, Alexander?"

"I won't feel like I'm keeping you here. I won't-" Alec pauses, attempting to gather his emotions before continuing his sentence.

"I won't feel like a such a burden."

"Alexander you are not-"

"I know, ok! You say that, and the words reach my brain, but somewhere along the way they get twisted. It's like there's a filter in my head that only lets in the negative. I was doing better, and then you- you left! And, I don't know. It just sent me right back to where I had been before."

Alec looked so defeated. His shoulders hunched, eyes lowered. He was so visibly broken, it hurt Magnus to even look at him.

How could such a seemingly strong man fall apart so quickly? How could Magnus have caused this to happen?

"And I know it's not your fault." Alec grasped Magnus's hands, prompting a gasp from the former magic wielder. Alec hadn't willingly touched Magnus in so long, he had almost forgot what it felt like. 

"Just because you set it off doesn't mean I can blame you for it. I'm sorry, Magnus." The apology opened up something inside of Alec, something he had desperately wanted to keep inside. Tears made their way down his cheeks, spilling onto their interlocked fingers. The shock of the revelations that he was having was too much for Alec. His body began to shake, chest heaving. His frame, once so solid, was lean to the point of malnutrition. It was barely able to stay together as he cried.

"Alexander..." Magnus pulled the young man to his chest, holding him until he calmed. Hiccups escaped this lips as the sobs passed.

"Do you agree with our decision now? You have to go see the Silent Brothers."

Alec nods into Magnus's chest, pressing his face further into the soft fabric of his sweater. 

"Please, do whatever you need to. I just want to get better."


	6. Tainted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, relationships fell apart. Magnus and Alec knew this, but they never thought that theirs wouldn’t be one to stand the tests of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. It's been a while. I was on vacation, ok? No Wifi for me. And I know, I was supposed to finish before I left. I had writer's block ok! Please, stop being disappointed in me. I'm trying.
> 
> This was gonna be less angsty but yeet. Hold this L.

\-------

It had taken Alec a while to get better. 

At first, he didn’t want to cooperate. Although he knew he needed it, something in his mind told him that it was pointless to even try. He would fail, and everyone would hate him for wasting their time. They would think he was worthless, that they shouldn’t have let him into their lives in the first place.

His soul ached much more than anyone had realized. 

But he did get better. It was a constant battle against himself-

Not himself. His disease. It was hard for him to differentiate sometimes, most of the time. 

But he had to. 

_**He was not his disease.** _

He hadn’t even kept track of how many days had passed. All he knew was that now he was going home.

Back to Magnus.

Even though he was still upset, still hurting, a small part of him lit up at the thought. Seeing the warlock, feeling his embrace, watching the way his skin somehow managed to draw light in, almost like magic. 

By the Angel, he missed Magnus.

But a bigger part of him was scared. What if Magnus didn’t recognize the person he was now? What if he left again? What if he didn’t want to watch after Alec, like he was some child? He had worked on the “power of positive thinking”, which Alec personally thought was bullshit, but negative thoughts still found their way into his mind, bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

\------

“Alec.” His family was waiting for him at the entrance of the Silent Brothers’ lair. They wrapped him in their arms, told him how strong he was, how proud they were of him.

Magnus was nowhere to be found.

“He’s waiting at home for you. Don’t worry.” Izzy’s whisper was placed next to his ear, so no one would hear. She always knew what Alec was thinking, even if he didn’t want her to.

“Thanks Iz.” 

\-------

Magnus had been waiting at home. Sitting in an armchair, reading some leatherbound book with pages yellow with age that he cast aside when the door opened.

“Alexander.” He strode over to the young man, drawing him into his arms. 

Alec didn’t reciprocate.

He loved Magnus, and being in his arms felt _so good._

But he was upset.

No.

He was angry.

Magnus had left him. 

It still stung. The pain of spiraling into the mess he had become, all because this man who he loved, who he thought loved him, had left. His head may have recovered, but his heart was still shattered.

“How do you feel?”

“Ok. Better.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Magnus leans in for a kiss, eyes widening as Alec leans away.

“I-I can’t, Magnus.” Alec squirms his way out of Magnus’ embrace, opting instead to stand a few paces away.

“I thought you said that you felt better.”

“I do feel better. Much better. But that doesn’t change what you did. And although I don’t blame you for everything I went through, you **did** hurt me.”

“What do I have to do to prove my love to you, Alexander?”

Alec sighed. He didn't know why he was making things so difficult. Magnus was back, and he was begging for forgiveness. But Alec couldn’t seem to find it in himself. He didn’t know why he was so upset, he didn’t even **want** to be upset. But something was still bothering him.

Magnus padded over to Alec, gently grasping his hands and pulling him to the couch.

“Would you like to hear what I did while I was away?”

Alec nods. Leave it to Magnus to know what he needed. 

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t do very much. I felt so lost, I had no clue where to go or what to do. I was around people rarely, and didn’t speak much when I was. I travelled to many remote places, just trying to find myself, see who I was without my magic.” The confidence that usually laced the warlock’s words was absent. In its place was a waver, one that Alec knew only appeared when Magnus was feeling particularly vulnerable. Magnus didn’t let many see him like this. Only those he truly loved and trusted.

“It took me 6 months, but I finally had a revelation. All that time, I had felt empty. Like something was missing. I had just thought it was my magic. But it wasn’t. It was the people I loved, my family. It was you, Alexander.” Magnus brings his hands up to cup Alec’s face, allowing his thumbs to trace their path along his cheeks.

“I don’t ever want to be apart from you again.”

“I know, but I-I don’t know. Something still feels wrong. Tainted. Like there’s an elephant in the room that we aren’t addressing.”

“Well, is there?”

“Do you even love me?” The words came out so abruptly, Alec didn’t even know he was going to ask them.

The effect on Magnus was immediate, however. The pain flashed in his eyes, the betrayal he felt at being asked such a question. The warmth of his palms left Alec’s cheeks, leaving them exposed to the chill that filled the room as much as the silence. It was deafening, and neither man could bear the suffocating tension that had invaded the space so suddenly.

“What prompted you to even think that I don’t?”

“I-” Alec’s voice cracks. The feelings of despair and worthlessness that he was still working on remove surface, and he can barely push them back down. 

Magnus could see Alec was struggling. It was so obvious. Yet he knew that the pain wasn’t just in Alec’s head. Magnus had been the source of it, albeit unknowingly. He knew what it was like, the feeling of being unlovable. Alec had given him so much and support, and this was how he repaid him. By making him feel like he didn’t deserve Magnus’ love, like Magnus had never loved him at all.

“I do love you. I don’t know why, and I hate feeling this vulnerable. But you’re so worth it, Alexander. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”

**“You are worthy of love, Alexander.”**

Alec wanted to believe him so badly. 

But every time he looked at Magnus, it felt like someone was taking a knife, and twisting it into his chest. All that time apart had taken its toll on the Shadowhunter. It had been close to a year. They had spent more time apart than together. Relationships like that don’t typically last.

He loved Magnus. He knew that.

At least, he had thought he did.

Now, he wasn’t so sure.


	7. Truly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting your demons by yourself is terrifying. It’s supposed to be easier with a partner. That might not be the case for Magnus and Alec.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa is that an update from this fic? Crazy.
> 
> Seriously, I'm sorry it took so long, but with school, my computer breaking, and vacations, I haven't had the time. And then I had no clue what to do.
> 
> It's actually super short, but it's finally done so I think you should appreciate it.

\-------

Alec had never had anyone love him the way Magnus claimed to. It was a brand new experience. He didn’t exactly know how to handle it. He didn’t know if he **could** handle it. 

“Alexander. Look at me.”

Alec didn’t want to. He wanted to run, to hide from the spiral of emotions that had threatened to consume him ever since he met Magnus Bane.

But he did. Hesitantly, he raised his eyes to meet the golden light that shone through the man he thought he loved.

“I know finding yourself is hard. Shaking off the demons that hold you down, it’s scary. And you end up questioning every choice you made, wondering if that was something you truly wanted.” Magnus had managed to wrap his fingers around Alec’s, locking them together, forcing Alec to stay focused in on him.

“But this wasn’t a mistake. This wasn’t your mental illness talking. This was all you, all us. This is the true you shining through, Alexander. This is what you’ve always wanted. Don’t let doubt take that from you, take **this** from you.”

Alec, unable to bear the intensity of Magnus’ gaze, glanced down at their hands. He still remembered the first time their hands had touched. It had lit up a section of Alec’s soul he hadn't even known existed. It had felt right, the first thing that had ever felt right in his entire life. He had felt safe. Finally.

That feeling had multiplied since he had started dating Magnus. The feeling of someone always being there, even when they were arguing. It was what Alec had needed. He hadn’t known until he got it, and then lost it. He **needed** Magnus. Needed him like he needed air. But he didn’t know how to communicate that.

\-------

Alec woke up, yet again, to an empty bed. He hated this feeling of loneliness. Magnus was adamant about giving him space. He insisted that Alec take their bed, despite Alec’s many protests. He wanted to give Alec the chance to figure out what he wanted by himself.

“Good morning, Alexander.” Magnus brushes past him so quickly, Alec almost breaks his arm by grasping on to his and pulling him back.

“Magnus. Please, stop avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you Alexander. I’m simply attempting to give you the space I know you ne-”

Magnus can’t finish his sentence.

Because Alec decided to kiss him.

It was soft, almost questioning his right to Magnus’ lips. 

But it was right. 

“I don't want space anymore. I want **you** , Magnus. I know we’ve been through a lot, and I want to go through a lot more. All I want is you, Magnus Bane. For the rest of my life.”

Alec had finally found the words to let the love of his life back into his heart. It took almost everything that he had. 

But Magnus was worth it.


End file.
